Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.