Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.