[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Worth a try
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.