clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
No way!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Well well well…
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.