@brendanmcginley: Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won't be like before.
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@ehchino: [Couples counseling] "It's not good to keep these things bottles up, you know" Okay, fine *opens jar of wasps*
@shegotagronk: Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
@DaveSirus: The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they're part of a conspiracy.
@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.