I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
this is the greatest thing ever
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.