@brendanmcginley: Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won't be like before.
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@theshamingofjay: TRUMP: I'm building a wall to keep Mexicans out. AMERICANS: I'm going to Canada if Trump is elected. CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.
@NotARatsAss: Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
@jonnysun: ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.