CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.