“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS