Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
You Might Also Like
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead