If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.