*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
This is a true ally.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?