i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I hate my earbuds.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
do horses think humans are hats