Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*