Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.