@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."
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@HallpassCanada: If you're a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
@robfee: Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
@goodtimenoel: Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can't be leaving DNA all over the place.
@iwearaonesie: me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt? 8: yup me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we're dead