@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."
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@AimeeHelene1: *brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting* *meeting starts* *I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers* *touches all the paper work*
@moooooog35: I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn't catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
@sixfootcandy: I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
@dreamthievin: One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song