Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?