@dshack8: Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
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@gilbertjasono: Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
@LoveNLunchmeat: Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
@Parkerlawyer: 5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?" Me, "No." 5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"