Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
this is uni
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
can’t talk my ride’s here
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
black phone good