Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.