*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
No regrets in 2018
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
calling in to work dehydrated
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day