@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.