[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.