@joeljeffrey: Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

@sfreeze6: Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

@_ElvishPresley_: whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?! *pretends hand is a telephone* "Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!"

@ZombieProblms: I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall. I'm not sentimental. I'm just sick of tripping over them.

@ComedicBust: [Walking into the gym Jan 1st] Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you're making. Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..