*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
When I said I liked it rough.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.