*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
You Might Also Like
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”