[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
May never get over this
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
*mops up wine with cat*