I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER