Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
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Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me checking my bank balance online.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
What a website
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”