Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit