Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Growing out my freckles.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Camping tip: No.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]