CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
You Might Also Like
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Finally!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.