Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
How your email finds me
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
this will hang in the louvre one day
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.