Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Hmm, not sure about this change
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.