I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
do horses think humans are hats
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Super Hand Dog Face