@markleggett: Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
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@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.
@FattMernandez: My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@prontopup: "'Earth' without 'the' is just 'ar'." - Pirates If you haven't seen "Earth without art is just eh" then you prolly didn't like this tweet.
@AthenasOlive: I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face. Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..