wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.