Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
why I oughta
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.