Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
*frowns in Scottish*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.