[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I saw nothing
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
time for some seasonal decor
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is