*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’m not lazy
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose