Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*