Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”