“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.