EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
oh you wanna fight?!
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Cats are still liquid.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.