[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The smoothest fall of all time
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.