[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?