Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?