KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?