My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that