You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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Me: Same
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
channeling her this year
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*