“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.