The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how