When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun