C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
the battle rages on
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.