C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.